friendships

i've been thinking lots of friendships. i have a good friend N since my childhood. yet, some five years ago, as we had moved out from our home city to different cities, the close relationship started having problems. To make long problem short, i think our transition from childhood-friendship to a balanced (?) adulthood-friendship was pretty difficult. partly because of a imaginary world we had created in the last 15 years (think about the film heavenly creatures, although we didn't kill anyone) which needed to exist no more. and letting go is hard, whether people are imaginary or real. some (boy)friends started emerging, resulting in difficulties to share time and energy fairly. me coming out to her a year ago didn't really help. so we've been keeping in loose contact because 1) we're just unable to let go 2) both of us don't have too many that close friends. i don't know about her, but i needed to take distance and think about this friendship throughout. which of course i've been unable to do (at least objectively).

what brought her to my mind, was my sister calling and saying that she met N in the street shortly. since i'm meeting my sister in 3 weeks time while going back to finland for a week, she proposed that i could invite N also. i hadn't really thought about the option, since i'm taking a bunch of friends from berlin with me as well. but on the other hand, why not? i don't necessarily have to be the repellent one no more. as my sister says, why to make things difficult on purpose. my problem is mainly, that i've been so close of excluding N totally from my for several years now. i mean, is the friendship worth of saving (or in this case, do i get anything extra from the fact that i've known her well in my childhood, although i don't know too much about her life at the moment) instead of finding new (less complicated) friendships?

sure, building a new friendship takes usually years until it gets very close. yet, rebuilding this old friendship will also take years, definitely. so how much energy it's reasonable to invest if the relationship has failed working in the past? sounds much like problems in marriage. but every time i hear from N, i lay in my bed awake for hours thinking what went wrong and what could i do about it and shall i do something about it. so evidently i'm not ready to let her go from my life. i care about her and worry that she will kill herself working.

so there is no way i'm going to solve the problem today. i better stop. see you later alligator.